Throughout my life, I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of meeting various people who thought of themselves or were perceived as “nonchalant” and “above it all”. They are a very peculiar sort. They are usually too cool to play mobile games; they don’t have any embarrassing stories to tell; they watch and read only cult classics, and they are way too unbothered to keep up with the new internet slang. You can sense that sort of emotional maturity around them.

But after a while, I’ve uncovered one thing. They are so dull. There is nothing lively about them.

And the worst of all, they don’t seem to know how to have fun without worrying about how they’ll be perceived. It’s like they’re doing everything to fit into an aesthetic.

After thinking about it for a while, I’ve started to wonder what this pandemic of unbothered people worldwide is. It looks almost as if everyone is auditioning for the role of the most unbothered person alive all of a sudden. When did it become embarrassing to show our human side? And would it kill us to care a bit more?

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The Cult of Effortless Cool

From TikTok's effortless chic aesthetics to Patrick Bateman and Amy Dunne, this obliviously cool mindset and lifestyle can be seen everywhere in the media. Moreover, it is desirable to be perceived that way. And sure, at first this type of person may strike you as timeless and “oh my god she’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be and more”. But it’s really like that only on the superficial level.

The low effort, cool girl you meet has her life together but keeps just the right amount of chaos in it. Nothing too much. She’s discreet.

She’s mysterious. She looks and dresses like she isn’t even trying, but somehow she still comes off in vogue. It’s almost an art how she does it. But really, ask anyone—it takes a lot of effort to look effortless. Hey, maybe nonchalant people aren’t that cold and careless. After all, they care about looking carefree!

A bit paradoxical, right?

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Emotional Minimalism Core

In a world full of self-improvement and pseudo-life coaches on every corner, we have formed “emotional trends”. Remember a while ago when everyone was obsessed with discovering what was wrong with them? Today, that’s how people are choosing to focus on themselves. Except, we’re taking it a bit too far.

As someone who has had more than enough time for the past few months to focus on myself, I’ve found that it’s much different than social media portrays it (surprise, surprise!). If you take just one look at TikTok advice givers, they’ll all say the same thing: focus on yourself, protect your inner peace, don’t let anything disturb your harmony. See, that is a great idea… in theory. Practice tells a whole different story.

People who often follow this mindset become, at least from what I’ve seen, a bit too “above it all”. Or, as a matter of fact, above us all. Vulnerability has become embarrassing for them.

Caring? Never heard of her. And in that turmoil of late replies, dry texts, and not giving a [censored] first, they kill the connection.

Realistically, they are protecting their ego. Maybe that is a good mindset… in some situations. Let’s say you start to get romantically involved with someone.

It is technically better to go into it cold, not expecting anything, so if it doesn’t work out, it won’t hit you that hard. But you could miss out on so much. That first click you feel with the person, the rush, daydreaming, and so much more. You are not letting yourself feel the real highs and lows of life. You are missing out.

As much as this nonchalant movement is empowering us to focus on our emotions and put ourselves in the first place, it is destroying us emotionally. We’ve mistaken being hard to read for being hard to hurt.

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The Ice Age of Emotion

We’ve built walls around ourselves. Oftentimes, not so much to be mysterious and cool, but to shelter ourselves from disappointment and repetition of past mistakes. Today, everyone is playing hard to get in every area of our lives.

As a consequence, you must be cold, not because you want to, but because sometimes that’s just the best coping mechanism there is. It’s like we’re all just sweeping our pain and insecurities under this big rug called “I’m not bothered” until it busts. And we tell ourselves that it’s for the best. After all, imagine if we all just wore our hearts on our sleeves, what kind of mess would that be?

How many times have I let my emotions dictate what feels like a good idea, only to be disappointed in the end? And how many of my friends have felt disappointment just because they also decided to act from their heart? I’ll tell you that the numbers are double-digited.

And maybe that’s the part that pains me the most - faking our emotions to protect ourselves from others’ fake emotions and intentions has become our reality. If we’re so used to the fake sentiments, how will we know when the real ones come through?

Emotional Renaissance?

A piece of me still believes this outbreak can be cured. More and more people have started showing what real, raw emotions feel and look like on the internet. However ugly it may look.

But that’s our reality. Emotions aren’t always that glamorous and artistic.

To me, it’s much cooler to be emotionally present and to show you care. I’m so tired of the long games and everyone just minding their own business. Emotional minimalism is a trap, and it’s a very dangerous one. The one thing we need the least in the world now is apathy.

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Caring takes a lot of courage today. But the core to keeping our social and emotional life properly functioning lies exactly there. We have forgotten how raw, natural emotions feel, without the internet telling us how it should be.

Just think about all of your friendships or relationships in general. Would we still be able to call it a relationship if we were all so emotionally detached from one another?

Vulnerability is starting to be an archaic term in society today. And on the rare occasion it is shown, there’s this urge to make it idealistic and glamourised. But vulnerability is the mother of art.

There would be no art without sincerity. Whether that be joy or pain, we must let ourselves feel to be able to create.

The lack of passion means the death of curiosity. The death of sense. The death of purpose.

The death of memories and fun. The lack of passion will mean the death of humanity.

So don’t be afraid to care. Send that message. Make that call.

Be overly interested and invested in something. It won’t matter in the long run. Or it will. And maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Because to care is to live.

That’s the real way to be cool and spontaneous. That’s the real art of being nonchalant.