Who am I?

I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a student, I am a friend.

It’s funny how we often define ourselves by our relationships with others, isn’t it?

But we don’t realize that these relationships exist because of who we are.

I am a sister because I care for my little brother more than I care about myself.

I am a daughter because I look to my parents for guidance when life gets too hard.

I am a student because I want to learn, to expand my knowledge beyond the basic subjects.

I am a friend because I’m willing to put others’ needs before my own.

It took me a while to figure out that the best version of me is the me that exists beyond the presumptions of others.

I used to think I had to meet everyone’s expectations, that I had to go out of my way to change myself just to make others happy.

Until I didn’t.

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Never Enough

It was the end of eighth grade, just before graduation. I had straight A’s five consecutive semesters, worked hard in all my classes, kept my behavior absolutely perfect, consistent “Exceptional"s written across my report card. But I wasn’t happy.

I missed elementary school, where I knew who I was and it didn’t matter who I wanted to be. I missed a life without expectations, when just being completely and solely me was enough. But that was in the past. I had to change.

At least, I felt like I did.

And it was all worth it, right? Except… it wasn’t.

People say that hard work will pay off in the end, that you’ll be happy and proud of all the time and effort you put in. So why was I still sad? Why did I feel like I wasted all three years of middle school, holed up in my room, scribbling down on assignments and flashcards?

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The day of the awards ceremony, I walked up with all my other classmates and finally received the certificate that I thought would make it all worth it.

I felt nothing.

It was just a piece of paper.

Seeing all the happy, smiley faces that didn’t match up with mine made me realize why.

As simple as it was, I forgot to live.

Three years spent in my house. Working, studying, reading, writing. No time for friends, no time for fun.

No missing school, even if I felt like my body and my mind were falling apart. Perfect grades, perfect scores. If my grade drops below 97%, I need to do better. I can’t let myself fail. If I can’t run fast enough in P.E., I’ll do all the extra credit. I know my family made plans to go to Disneyland, but I have a quiz and I really can’t afford to miss it…

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We’re only teenagers once. Just like we’re only kids once. Just like we only live once.

We can’t afford to waste what little time we have left in this world on moments that don’t make us happy. Take care of your future, but don’t forget to live in the present.

My parents wanted me to work hard, but they didn’t realize they were pushing me too far. My friends were encouraging me to focus on my academics, but they had no idea how overwhelming it felt. My school incentivized us to reach for perfection, without realizing how dangerous it can be.

You are more than a grade. You are more than an expectation. You are more than your mistakes.

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Who am I Now?

So who am I, without the presumptions of everyone else?

I am a dedicated student, but I don’t let work consume me.

I am a runner, but I don’t force myself to be at the level of athletes.

I am a writer, but I write in moderation, so it never feels like a chore.

I am me.

With all my flaws, with all my imperfections.

I think little elementary school me would be proud of the person I’ve allowed myself to become.

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