There are no words to describe the type of pain that grief presses upon you. I’m not going to lie, there’s nothing I can say that will make everything okay. There’s nothing anyone else can do to mend that hole in your heart.

You have to be the one to put in the work, to recover, to acknowledge, to accept. I only hope that this article can help you on that journey.

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Anticipatory Grief

When you know someone is about to die, you begin the process of grief before they actually pass away. This can lead to anxiety, as your loved one is still here. You might be constantly worried, tossing and turning at night, wondering if they’ll still be there the next day.

You might feel like you need to be with them every second of every day. Sitting by their bedside, telling them how much you care, never seems to be enough.

I think the best way to handle this sadness is to let go of the expectation and just cherish the moments you have left. This is a whole lot harder than it sounds, but I promise there’s a point to this.

Knowing someone will leave you is heartbreaking, but it can also be a gift. You get to say goodbye, you get to tell them how much they are loved, how much their life meant to you. It allows you to prepare for the eventual loss.

I’m not saying not to be sad, I’m saying don’t let it consume you. Don’t let your last moments with this person be tainted by grief, but rather filled with all the happiness you have left.

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Abbreviated Grief

This happens when you’re able to move on from grief quickly. It doesn’t mean you didn’t care - it just means that there were other factors in place. For example, the death could have been expected (anticipatory grief), you might not have been close with the person who passed away, or you might’ve had something else good in your life that you were able to focus on, lessening the pain.

You might feel guilty that everyone else is drowning in the sadness of this loss, while you’re able to let go. But I’m here to tell you: don’t. Everyone believes in something different after they die, but what if this person is somehow watching over you?

If they truly cared about you, then wouldn’t they want you to be happy? To let them go? It doesn’t mean you don’t miss them - you’ll always miss them. It just means you’re not letting this person take up space in your life, which is nothing to feel bad about.

However, in another version of this grief, you might not have known this person. This could be an aunt who lived too far for you to visit. You aren’t obligated to make yourself mourn the same way that your mom might. Let yourself feel what’s in your heart.

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Cumulative Grief

This grief occurs when you experience multiple losses at the same time. It could be the loss of a pet on top of the loss of a friendship, which makes it feel even more overwhelming.

This is one of the hardest types of heartache. You might feel like your entire world is falling apart, piece by piece, and maybe it is.

But you can build it back up again.

Everything you have in life, you have because of all the decisions you’ve made. Every choice you make after this will contribute to a new version of life, so don’t let this ruin you when it doesn’t have to. It isn’t the end of your happiness until you decide it is.

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Delayed Grief

Delayed grief happens when your body is either in shock or too busy to allow yourself to process the pain. It takes a long time, sometimes even months, before it hits you. Your mind could have a hard time adapting to this new reality, and the loss may be too great for your body to handle, so you just shut it out until you can’t anymore.

The sadness can hit you at the most random moments. Maybe you walk by an old coffee shop that you and your grandfather used to go to, and all the memories and grief come rushing back to you.

If you’re experiencing this type of sadness, allow your heart to feel whatever emotion it wants to feel. Nothing is wrong with you if you’re unable to feel the grief at this moment in time. Our bodies are incredible.

They regulate everything that we experience to protect us. Feelings will arise when they are meant to; allow your body to take its time. There’s no rush. Don’t feel guilty if everyone else around you seems to be filled with tears. They aren’t you.

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Inhibited Grief

This happens when you suppress the emotions that occur after loss, possibly leading to the feelings resurfacing physically. For example, trouble sleeping and anxiety can be symptoms of this restriction.

Feelings are hard. To be human is hard. To lose someone is heartbreaking.

But we experience this range of emotions anyway, because we are strong enough to handle it. Don’t block them out because they’ll only resurface later - maybe even stronger than before. We were born with the ability to feel so that we could experience these emotions in full force. Our body isn’t made to ignore them. We can’t appreciate the happy moments if there aren’t sad ones too.

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Collective Grief

Collective grief occurs when a group of people experience a loss. One very familiar example of this is COVID-19, where so much time was spent at home and years of in-person education were lost.

This is perhaps the most uniting experience any community can go through. Grief hurts, yes, but it also brings us together. Shared experiences create bonds between people who once were strangers, forming a new kind of family that will do anything to help each other out.

So many people are harmed by this loss, but that also means there are so many people out there who understand what you’re going through. It makes it easier to reach out for help, to find people who recognize all the challenges you’ve faced. Take advantage of these new connections and take care of each other.

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Healing

Loving someone is absolutely terrifying. The way you get this rush of fear when you say goodbye at the bus stop, not knowing if they’ll get to school safely or crash before exploding into flames. The way your heart seems to burst from your chest when an earthquake hits, because you don’t know if your loved ones are going to be okay or not.

The stab of guilt you get when you accidentally hurt them. All the worry and fears and guilt pile up, which is why when it actually happens - when they actually die - that kind of pain is enough to dig yourself into a very, very deep hole. But only if you let yourself.

This is a time when you need to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Not when it’s convenient to them, but when you need it most. This is a time when you need to give yourself grace.

Allow yourself to take breaks, to mess up, to not be perfect. But, most of all, this is a time when you have to let go.

Your life can’t move on if you’re living in the past. You don’t have to forget them, you just have to accept the fact that they’re gone, that they’re not coming back, and know that that’s okay. Just because they’re gone doesn’t mean the loving memories you have of them are, too.

Just because they can’t hold you when you’re feeling down doesn’t mean they can’t comfort you in your heart. Just because you can’t talk to them anymore doesn’t mean you’re alone in this world. There are people in this life who will bring you happiness and make you feel loved more than you thought was possible.

Remember, everyone’s path to healing is different. Maybe these six forms don’t describe the type of grief you’re experiencing, and that’s okay. You are your own person, and there is no “wrong” way to experience it.

Take a breath. It’s going to be okay. I promise.

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