The Pressure to Be Perfect

For as long as I can remember, my self-worth was defined by the numbers on my report card. The grades on my test, the letters written in bright red ink, the participation points I earned for just raising my hand. Teachers called me a "pleasure to have in class," and I took pride in it, proving that I was doing something right.

I thought being perfect meant having everything figured out, even when I was only in middle school. Straight A's, honor rolls, and study sessions that went past 2 AM were considered normal. It might've looked good on the outside, but no one tells you how draining it is to be "perfect." I didn't love learning anymore; I loved the validation it brought. Deep down, I knew this was an unhealthy and toxic mindset to have, but I was afraid that if I stopped, I would become a failure.

It wasn't until the summer before my freshman year that I finally realized that academic validation wasn't ever going to help me. It was harming me. No matter how high my grades were, it never felt like enough.

It never would be. That's when I knew I needed to change, to heal the part of me that believed I needed other people's approval to be worthy.

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Finding the Root

To start healing, I had to understand why I craved academic validation so much in the first place. Journaling helped me realize the truth. It wasn't because of my parents, they couldn't care less if my siblings and I were close to failing, but because of my younger brother.

I felt like I needed to be a role model for him. In my eyes, that meant not just being "good enough," but being beyond good enough. Being successful in school was the clearest way to prove it. Every marking period, I chased after those golden "High Honor Roll" certificates in middle school. If I didn't get one, I felt like I was failing him, which meant I was failing myself.

At the same time, I was determined to prove myself to my parents. They always assumed that we would be "average" and settle for less, which made me crave more. Excelling in school became my way to prove I could do better than that and push their expectations. I had to show them and myself that I was capable of getting valuable opportunities.

If I didn't achieve these things, I wasn't the role model my brother deserved or the daughter my parents would notice.

I was nothing.

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Changing My Mindset

After realizing the cause of my academic validation obsession, I had to figure out how to stop letting my grades define me. This was the hardest part for me, because it wasn't like I could just snap my fingers and change my mindset. At this point, I was addicted. In my mind, it felt impossible to separate achievement and my worth.

I did some research on how to get out of this toxic mindset, and shockingly enough, some of their tips actually worked. Out of the ones I tried, the best one had to be simply questioning the critical thoughts. For example, if I got a test back and I thought something like "Why did I get a 90%?

It was so easy. I'm so dumb," instead of encouraging them, I thought logically, asking myself ", Is that really true?" When I started pushing away critiques and stopped talking down on myself, my mental health seemed to improve.

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Keeping My Balance

It took me the rest of the summer in order to change my mindset. I was nervous for school to start, because I was afraid I would get stuck in the same cycle I was in before. I could change my mindset, sure, but that wasn't going to mean anything if I didn't take action. So, when it came to my work, I decided to set strict yet realistic boundaries.

Before I did a homework assignment or a project, I would set a timer. Whenever this timer went off, I had to be done with the assignment. Sometimes I use the Pomodoro Technique, and other times I make my own custom timer. Either way, these strict deadlines allowed me to finish my assignments correctly without obsessing over every little mistake.

I used to think that if I didn't chase academic validation, then I would fail my classes. But I realized that it doesn't have to be true. I could still get my work done and get good scores without obsessing over it and burning myself out.

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Moving Forward

Now, I finally understand that my worth isn't determined by some letter or a number in a gradebook. It's measured by how I learn from my mistakes, grow, and keep going when things get tough. I'm still learning to let go of perfection, but I know that I don't have to earn my worth.

If you're struggling with toxic academic validation or perfectionism, remember that you are enough, no matter what your GPA is. Even though it sounds tough, you can recover, and you will get through it.