All of my friend groups have one thing in common - they all failed somehow. From kindergarten groups that couldn't bear the weight of growing up to middle school and high school ones that ended with explosive fights or just simply faded into silence, they are - it seems - always doomed to fail. It's an endless cycle repeating itself over and over, starting with that glimpse of hope and telling myself that "this one is surely going to last".

Spoiler alert: it never did. If friendship is a hill then I've been Sisyphus pushing that hope-heavy rock all the way to the top, only to watch it roll back down into awkward silences and grudges.

As I was scrolling through social media the other day, a post from a past friend had popped up. It made me pause. Not in a bitter, "wait why wasn't I invited?" way.

But rather in a "wait, what actually happened to us?" way. And after spending some time thinking about everything that had happened, I could only wonder: Is the idea of a large, closely-knit female friend group a myth we've been sold by TV and social media? Or is there something fundamentally fragile about friendships that try to balance too many personalities, expectations and lifestyles?

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project from Pexels

Here's What I've Learned:

It rarely ends with fireworks.

Friend groups don't break down overnight. It's almost never that one big fight that causes everything to fall apart (though I've had my fair share of those too). No, it's mostly quieter.

The breakdown takes time. It marinates in missed calls, not being invited and awkward tensions. It's a quiet unraveling. Like the volume is slowly turning down and you don't notice it until someone stops replying to the group chat or someone stops showing up altogether.

There's no big goodbye or ending scene. Just a slow fade that you don't notice until it's already done.

Too many personalities, not enough clarity.

Big groups are beautiful. They're full of energy and chaos and laughter that fills every room making it warmer. But they are also full of different expectations, communication styles and emotional needs.

One friend prefers deep emotional talks and ranting in long voice messages. Other one is more of a casual catch-up and sending memes type. And while some pull back when they need space expecting you to just get it, others do the same but get even more hurt when no one checks in.

It's really easy to get confused. But what's important is: No one is doing it wrong. It's just that no one is doing it the same.

And not understanding this can make all of those differences feel like distance. Or rejection. Or worse - like proof that maybe you were never as close as you thought.

There's always a group within the group.

And here is the part we hate to admit. Even the most "inclusive" friend groups have that quiet hierarchy. The inner circle.

The unofficial leader. The one who finds out everything first - and the one that finds out everything last.

It might not be intentional or spiteful, but it's felt. In the way same things are less or more tolerated depending on the person. In the valuing of the opinions. In who's always included and who's not because "she wouldn't come anyways".

Most of the time no one means to cause harm, but those small dynamics build up. And before you know it, someone realizes they're not really showing up anymore. Not because they're not invited, but because it stopped feeling like there is a space for them.

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We don't talk about jealousy. But maybe we should.

It's easy for jealousy and competition to creep in through the back door in big groups. One friend gets a boyfriend. The other one gets that well-paid job.

The third one just purchased that picture perfect apartment in the city's best neighborhood. And suddenly you catch yourself wondering - what am I doing wrong?

You hate that feeling. But even though you really are happy for them, you just can't seem to stop comparing yourself. And that's the thing about being human - we all do it, even though we sometimes don't want to.

The worst thing you could do is let that jealousy spread beneath the surface. Slowly, but surely, building a wall between you and the people you care about.

Change isn't betrayal.

This took me way too long to realize. But change is a part of the deal. Sometimes it's slow and almost unnoticeable like the seasons changing. A new job, new routine, new city.

And suddenly you catch yourself struggling to catch-up with someone that you used to know like the back of your hand. It's not dramatic and it's not anyone's fault. It's normal. But in a moment you realize - you're no longer growing with them, but next to them

Maybe that's the hardest part about change: knowing that love stays, but sometimes, closeness doesn't.

Image Credit: Magda Ehlers from Unsplash

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So... Can They Really Last?

Maybe not always. Maybe not in the way we imagined. With matching tattoos, summer vacations and growing old together like a real-life version of a TV show.

But sometimes they do. Sometimes the group chats and jokes survive new boyfriends, jobs, late-replies and distance. Sometimes, the love stretches wide enough to hold all the changes, pains and quiet seasons.

Big groups are messy, chaotic and full of dynamic. It may take a lot of emotional maturity to navigate through one such friendship. But with the right people and right communication, it may not be so hard.

After all, maybe lasting doesn't mean staying the same. Maybe it means finding new ways to stay connected, no matter how much we change.

So here's to the ones that ended, softly or suddenly. And here's to the ones that might just last!