If you are reading this, you probably have a sibling or two, maybe even more. As an older sister, I have experienced quite a few phases, fights, and arguments throughout my life. That being said, I have advice on how to get through these tough times and issues, and how you all can enjoy your years together.
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We're jumping right into things with arguments and bickering, because I know everyone has experienced this with their siblings. Maybe every day, once a week, or even every time you see each other. The goal of this is to help you look at your arguments from a different lens, learn how to avoid and get out of them, as well as how to make up after a major argument.
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The Relationship as a Whole
The first step is for you to reflect on your arguments and your relationship with your sibling or siblings. Look for times or situations when arguments tend to happen. Is it something you're doing?
Most times, you know what you're doing. If you are purposely bothering them when they are busy just to annoy them, you are causing issues. You become the instigator when you do things like this, so don't do this. When these arguments happen, try not to get overheated or aggravated over the situation. There is always more to the situation than you can see. It is sort of like when you are stressed or tired and you just randomly snap at someone or pick a fight unconsciously. These things happen, and they happen to your siblings. Arguments are tough, but their day might have been as well.
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Argument Central
One way to get out of arguments or to avoid them is not to avoid your sibling. Contrary to popular belief. Instead of avoiding your sibling, avoid the things that aggravate them. Avoid trying to annoy them or to get them worked up.
Sometimes these arguments happen regardless of what you do to avoid making them upset or irritated, so I have a way for you to get out of every argument. The first step is for you to stay calm and not to entertain the argument.
Do not add fuel to the fire because that will prolong the argument, and it will strain your relationship even more. The next step is for you to listen and respond minimally.
Overresponding leads to certain things slipping out that you didn't want to, which leads to hurt feelings, resulting in days or weeks of silent treatment. I know you don't want to, but if it is your fault, even in the slightest bit, and you did something that upset them, simply apologize. Give a true apology. This is your sibling; they deserve an apology that you actually mean.
Sibling Rivalries
Rivalries are a huge cause of tension and stress in sibling relationships, so it is important that I identify this and give you some advice on this topic. Your sibling is NOT your competition. They are someone you can depend on and someone you can aspire to be, but you shouldn’t be striving and trying to be better than them.
No one likes having someone purposely trying to one-up them. Doing this sort of thing is going to cause someone to always be unhappy, and this causes relationship stress and possible exhaustion from overworking yourself.
I have experienced this many times over. My brother is an athlete naturally, and he has no problem learning new skills and doing certain movements, whereas I am not built that way. Things take me more time to learn, and I can’t physically do the same things that he is capable of doing.
I didn’t see my own skills and abilities because I was so focused on what he could do and what he had. I forgot that I have my own set of skills, like each of you. We all have skills and capabilities that our siblings may not have, so it's important for us to nurture what we have as skills and gifts.
Focus on your skills and bettering yourself for yourself. Don’t try to constantly compete with your siblings; it is not healthy. You can rise up and encourage them and still choose to better yourself.
Rivalry can be used as a way to empower each other, but it must be controlled and used to build each other up. It should be used as a way to help the other sibling to get better and better at their craft, skill, or sport.
Damage Control
If you had been in an argument and it had rolled over into silent treatment or plain disgruntlement between you two, you have to make up. Look for small things to make the other sibling happy. Be thoughtful and kind, not pushy and half-hearted.
Offer to do their chores or to help them with something, or even ask if you guys can do something together that they like. Sometimes, bonding is a helpful way of getting over an argument. Especially if this form of bonding doesn't involve talking. Watch a movie, play a game, run outside, do something. Anything counts. Don't just sit there and throw your relationship away.
What is a Good Sibling?
To have a good relationship with your sibling, YOU have to be a good sibling. You have to be putting in the work. I will give you a few tips to help you become a better sibling because you can always improve, and your sibling will thank you.
Be supportive and be a good listener. Apart from being siblings, you are also friends. This is a key dynamic in sibling bonds. You have to support your siblings like you would support your friends.
Go to your siblings' games, recitals, or ceremonies. Invest time in the things they like to do. Show genuine interest in what they like. Being a good sibling goes beyond being supportive and listening to one another; it is also spending time with them and having their back.
You will become the best of siblings if you start to pour in your time and energy, and sometimes your finances, to help create a relationship that is siblings by chance and friends by choice. By finances, I mean investing in a birthday gift for them or something like that. It will be your guys' choice to be friends, at the end of the day. You are stuck as siblings and connected by shared DNA and genes, but you can choose to be friends.
Choose to be friends with your siblings because once you have that sweet spot, that bond that you will develop over time, you guys will be unstoppable. As life changes, you will have a 24/7 friend. You will have someone who will always have your back and someone you can get along with, grow with, and get through life with. The support you will have will be so helpful, and you'll even learn that your sibling is actually a fun, cool person.
Do Not EVER Do
So, if you want to maintain your relationship and grow as siblings and friends, here are things that you should never do:
- Never meddle in the other person's love life. Don't make comments about their love life, relationships, or try to involve yourself. It will end badly.
- Do not put them down or discourage what they do (unless it's harmful or illegal). If they enjoy soccer, don't make rude comments. Lift them up and inspire them to continue what they love instead. You have more of an impact than you realize.
- Do not trash-talk them with your friends. Never. I get it, you might get annoyed with your sibling, but that does not give you the right to talk badly about them to other people. They deserve respect, so treat them with it.
These are just the main ones that I thought of. There are probably many more huge no-nos, but with my brother, these are about the only major ones. One additional thing is to remember not to cause too much trouble together.
Have Fun While You Can
You are young, and right now is the best time to spend time with your siblings. Make up now. Choose to make them a priority, now. Your family is so important, so it is time to go and make them a priority.
Personally, I am looking back at the 3 years when my brother and I simply didn't get along, and I wish for those years back. I will be going off to college in a year, and I feel like we have finally reached the point where we can get along and have a friendship.
By no means is our sibling bond perfect, but it has come a long way, and I want all of you to have the same love and support and joy that comes from making peace with your siblings. The truth is, your sibling relationship won’t ever be perfect, but it can be strong, fun, and meaningful. You just have to choose to make it a priority.
I hope you take this advice and use it to create something special with your siblings. You’ll never regret having someone in your corner for life.
