Everything I've Learned after My Breakup

I always thought breakups were supposed to be pain, distance, anger, then eventual relief. At least that's what I learned from the movies I watched in middle school. What I didn’t expect was how confusing it would be to grieve someone I’m still on good terms with.

Losing a relationship without losing respect or care for the other person has been one of the hardest emotional experiences I’ve ever had. There’s no villain or dramatic ending, just the absence of someone who was once my best friend.

What I've Learned

One of the first things I learned about myself after the end of a two-year relationship is how much my healing depends on timing. I don’t miss him all the time. I miss him on Sundays when I'd usually have him over, and have nothing to do otherwise.

I miss him on rainy days when I'm feeling extra nostalgic and fall down the rabbit hole of looking through saved Snapchat memories. But there are also busy afternoons or Saturday nights with friends where I don’t miss him at all. Though they seem hectic, my busiest moments are where I've been able to find the most peace in my breakup journey. This concept of timing taught me something important: Missing someone doesn’t mean I’m moving backward; it just means I’m human.

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I’ve also become deeply aware of how convincing my own thoughts can be. My mind has a habit of feeding itself with false rhetoric. When he didn't text me post-breakup, my brain jumped to the idea that he must hate me, that I’ve been erased, or that what we had didn’t matter as much to him as it did to me.

My friends were the ones who helped me recognize that pattern. I've since begun understanding that absence doesn’t automatically equal rejection, and that my thoughts aren’t always facts. I needed to acknowledge that he has his own way of processing the breakup, and that may look different than mine. I'd forgotten that he was grieving too.

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The Heartbreak

There have been real negatives, of course. I’ve felt a sense of loneliness that I feel like no one else can relate to. I’ve replayed conversations and sat with a lot of uncertainty.

Still, I think "what if." What if I never picked up that call where he broke up with me? What if our last hangout didn't end in an argument? What if I never went to drop his stuff off and just let it sit in my room forever? There’s grief in letting go of the version of myself that existed in that relationship. But I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that no matter how many times I tell myself "what if," the universe made this happen for a reason.

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The Hope

There have also been unexpected positives. I’ve learned how to sit with discomfort and still continue moving forward with my life. It's a skill I feel fortunate to be developing young, as I know I will face much more discomfort in my introduction to adulthood.

I’ve also grown more emotionally aware and more honest with myself about my needs. Of course, none of that would be possible without my friends, who have given me an unwavering amount of love and advice. But the biggest thing I've learned is that sometimes space is what's necessary to realize the depth of a relationship. How could I ever know he's the one for me if I don't go out and experience what other people could give me? This relationship has helped guide me in knowing what I want for myself in my future.

My Consensus

Most importantly, this breakup has taught me that healing doesn’t require hatred or closure. I had this false perception about breakups that they had to be messy and involve some kind of "revenge era." I've been learning to come to terms with the fact that I can still love my ex-boyfriend while not being "in love" with him. Sometimes growth comes from loving someone, letting them go, but choosing to continue caring from a distance. I’m still learning and unlearning, but I now know myself more deeply than I did before.