One of the worst moments in a friendship can be when someone moves away. It can seem, frankly, like the world as you know it is ending. Many friendships end when you no longer live close together.

It’s a lot harder to keep contact when you don’t see them in class anymore or you can’t invite them over at a moment’s notice. Or maybe you started your friendship online and you aren’t sure what to do. You’ve never had a time where you could see them in person to begin with. However, I assure you that it’s completely possible to maintain a friendship, even grow it, all over a phone.

Send the Message

I’ve had several friends who have moved away. Months, even years had passed before I even thought about contacting them again. It’s so easy to consider it awkward and procrastinate reaching out.

Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they have new friends. Trust me. If you’re truly friends, they’re not going to leave you behind that easily.

Just imagine how they would feel. Imagine you’re the one who left. You’re in an unfamiliar place, trying to find a new normal.

The people that mattered to you are a piece of your life, and I know I would give a lot to have access to them. What would it be like for you if someone took the time to reach out? There’s no downside to trying. So send the message. What’s the worst that could happen? The best time to strengthen your bond with a person is that window where they’re settling into their new life. If you want a place in it, you have to try.

I know it’s harder if it’s been a while since you’ve last seen them. This brings up a whole new set of insecurities. Maybe they don’t remember you.

Or worse, maybe they do and just don’t want to hear from you. It’s important to remember to recognize these thoughts for what they are: unsound worries.

I had a friend who I hadn't seen in a few years. She moved away during the pandemic, so even before she left we didn’t see each other that much due to quarantining. I was afraid that meant she wouldn’t remember me that well, or that I was making up our friendship.

But I wasn’t. So I emailed her, and she emailed back. It’s hard to forget someone who meant a lot to you, no matter how long it’s been. I can’t guarantee you’ll always get a response, but I can guarantee that when they do, it feels amazing.

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Schedule Calls

The best thing you can do to maintain a long-distance friendship, especially at the start, is schedule times to talk. This way, you both know you’re free and can focus on each other.

It doesn’t have to be something as formal as a Google Calendar invite, of course. Just ask them when they’re free to talk a day or two in advance and confirm that you’ll be able to talk. It’s so much easier than being put on the spot, convincing yourself that you have time to have a 3-hour conversation instead of doing your math homework. This way, you can reconnect with no stress and you’ll be able to focus on the actual conversation.

Occasionally, you’ll have a situation where you spontaneously have the opportunity to hang out with them online. Of course, as long as you have time for it and want to, you should say yes. Just make sure that you’re not forcing yourself to say yes every time your friend asks to FaceTime with you.

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Quick Text Conversations

Once you’ve got the communication rolling, it’s time to really (re)connect. One of the best things about texting is that there’s no restriction to when you can do it. You can send a random video you found on Instagram and your friend can respond five hours later with no problem at all.

There are so many texting platforms with different features out there (Ex. iMessage, Snapchat, WhatsApp), and all you have to do is find the one that works for you. If having a voice conversation seems too daunting, this is the best way to ease into your new normal.

It doesn’t even have to be a perfectly crafted text or some really important information that gives you an excuse to talk. It can be as simple as a “hi” or the ever-popular “wyd”. Whatever you say, it’s communication. It means that however small your interaction is, it’s a part of your day and it’s a part of theirs.

If you want to take it a step further, there are just about a million options for you. Tell them about school, a class or club, or even news about your town. If they moved away, there’s a good chance they would love an update.

Or if you’re the one that moved, or your friendship has always been long-distance, telling them about your life will bring them that much closer to you. It’s like coloring in a picture - everything they learn about you will help them get a sense of who you are, especially if it’s been a while since they’ve seen you in person. Don’t be afraid to tell them even the most random of things. Help them color in the picture, all with a short text message.

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Get to Know Each Other (Again)

I get it, it’s awkward. Whether you just met online or you’re starting an online relationship with someone you already know, it can be hard to picture them as an actual person. Just texting someone isn’t going to be enough.

Think about why you’re texting them. Why do they matter to you? What does your friendship with them mean to you?

It’s hard to make progress when you’re stuck in the stage of mindless memes and jokes that don’t quite reach the “inside” level yet. It’s easier if you’ve always been building your friendship through a screen, although I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s easy. This is someone you’ve never seen in person.

There’s lower stakes in a way, yes, since there’s no stress of having to encounter them. However, you also don’t know who they are. They could be anyone, which gets into the whole issue of cybersecurity. But let’s assume you know it’s safe to talk to and be friends with them. You still don’t really know much about them. If you want to have a relationship with them, you need to take the leap into new territory. If you don’t start asking questions, you may never bring yourself to reach out.

Keep in mind that this is not an excuse to ask for personal information. Especially when you just meet someone, the boundaries are solid. But there’s no harm in asking for a favorite food or movie, their pet’s name or zodiac sign (if you’re a fan of that kind of thing). And, who knows, this could be the start of a friendship where you tell each other a lot more than entry-level things.

However, in my personal opinion, it’s a lot more scary when you do know them. Because asking those questions means accepting that you don’t really know them anymore. I’ve had a best friend that I lost touch with, and when I finally spoke to her again, I found that I didn’t know nearly as much about her as I used to. I’d been living my life and revisiting my memories with outdated information.

Well, that fear didn’t change anything. In fact, holding onto it would just have meant sacrificing a chance to get to that point again. Most friendships are repairable if you try hard enough.

Even if they’re a little different now, deep down, they’re still that same person, and all of the memories you’ve shared haven’t stopped existing. All you need to do is create the means to make more.

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Be Honest and Keep Moving On

There’s a fine line between giving your all and giving all of you. I know it can seem like a dream come true when you find (or re-find) that one person that you can tell anything to, but you have to be that person for them as well. If it comes to a point where you feel like the only one trying, the only one reaching out over and over again, it’s time to step back.

It can’t only be you who wants to call. It can’t only be who you starts the conversations. In other words, don’t water dead plants.

You’ve probably heard that phrase before. Well, it does have truth to it. Sometimes people aren’t ready to connect or reconnect. Or sometimes, they just have too much going on. Your friendship shouldn’t be a burden, and you most definitely should not waste it on someone who doesn’t give it back to you. You’ll just run out, and that’s a horrible thing for the people who actually do want it. Make sure to not put all your efforts on one person, even if that person does the same to you. It’s far better to have more friends than just one, and you are capable of creating a strong bond with everyone. So be honest with yourself and make sure your relationships are worth it, because your most important one is the one you have with yourself.