A Look Into the 5 Love Languages and How to Best Express Yours

Love isn’t linear.

I’d argue the exact opposite actually, describing love as more of a cyclical, non-linear journey that never really ends. British psychologist John Bowlby dedicated a substantial time of his research to study what some would say is a child’s first love- their mother.

The attachment to mother and child is often described through the lens of John Bowlby’s ‘Attachment Theory’ which defines this relationship as “the innate drive to become attached to their caregiver”. At one point or another, every individual is said to thrive on this attachment, which is what provides the foundation for one’s definition of love.

The second part of this theory explains the dynamic of love an individual desires later on in life in other people. Bowlby concluded that “ the availability (or inability) of their caregiver and the quality of that care shaped what that bond or lack of bond looked like — and ultimately, what that person’s romantic bonds will look like as an adult”.

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I’d be remiss not to mention the subjectivity of this theory. In all honesty, the origin of love in the lives of every one of us will be completely different. Other theories on this idea include the Reward for Attraction theory, Filter Theory, and my personal favorite, the Color Wheel Theory of Love.

Ultimately, none of these theories are solidly true. In fact, since the concept of love was first acknowledged as the root word “leubh” in the Proto-Indo-European language millennia ago, love has never had a concrete meaning.

Instead, what is socially agreed upon are how love is felt. Luckily, these types of love are acknowledged in five convenient categories called “Love Languages”. Let’s explore all five.

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1. Receiving Gifts

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Let’s get this out the way really fast; enjoying the idea of receiving gifts isn’t inherently superficial. With the emerging popularity of terms like “gold digger”, which overdramatizes the value of money between romantic partners, the idea of receiving gifts has been tainted with materialist ideals.

However, at its core the action of receiving gifts as a love language category is defined as feeling “loved [or that you’re demonstrating love] with a tangible item”. This can include really elaborate gifts like jewelry or a large sum of money, but can also be relatively small like being surprised with your go-to Starbucks order in the morning by your partner or friend.

What I find matters the most within gift giving or receiving as an action of love is the sincerity of the gift. The practice turns material objects into manifestations of love that can otherwise feel impossible to express.

2. Acts of Service

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Acts of service are often confused with receiving gifts as a love language. The practice of “expressing love and care for others through thoughtful actions and deeds” often coincides with the idea of giving items of convenience to your partner. These two categories of love work practically hand in hand to satisfy your loved one with the acknowledgment that you care about them in an outwardly tangible way.

Where acts of service are divided from receiving gifts is the physical exertion more attributed to this category of language. Acts of service emphasize the thought of prioritizing someone else’s desires; sometimes even over your own.

One of the more famous examples of this would be the creation of the Taj Mahal by Mughal Emperor Shaj Jahan in honor of his late wife, who tragically passed away after giving birth. Now, unfortunately, not everyone has the resources of a Mughal Emperor, but anyone can exhibit Acts of Service on any given day. Holding the umbrella on a rainy day or cleaning up around the house are all little actions that show your appreciation and love.

3. Words of Affirmation

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“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day”, wrote an adult William Shakespeare in the early 1590s, allegedly to a young man known as Mr. W.H. While the true identity of W.H. remains a modern history, Shakespeare’s words to his loved one remained an iconic phrase, often used in media to portray the essence of love. Love poems like Shakespeare are famous examples of the ‘Words of Affirmation’ love language.

Stringing the right words together to express the meaning of love from one person to another is no hard feat. Even the smartest of people have trouble finding the right balance of vulnerability, passion, and care, making words of affirmation a practice that can take lots of time.

If it hasn’t been made clear by now, I am an overthinker when it comes to love. For that reason, I also often feel like I’m falling short when expressing my deep devotion to someone else. For those who share similar feelings, remember that “I love you” is enough.

Those three words in succession at just the right moment will carry the message just fine. In that way, Words of Affirmation are a really useful tool of expressing love to another person.

4 and 5: Quality Time and Physical Touch

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Quality Time and Physical Touch, on the surface, seems very straightforward. Quality time is defined simply as spending meaningful time with your loved one, while Physical Touch is the expression of love through physical gestures.

For teenagers, these two love languages show up prominently according to Dr. Gary Chapman, who published an extensive guide through the Five Languages 2 decades ago.

I find Quality Time and Physical Touch to be more popular among young adults because of their convenience. Unlike Receiving Gifts, no money is usually required to spend time together, kiss, or hug. They don’t require intentional brain power like words of affirmation, nor do they call for physical assertion like acts of service. For the section of one’s life primarily dedicated to school, money, and personal discovery, physical touch and quality time can take the pressure off of expressing love to your loved ones.

In relationships, I love to take long walks through Prospect Park and Botanic Garden on weekends before work. Little pockets of time isolating yourself with a loved one like this emphasizes the feeling of priority and care shared between one another. Oftentimes on these walks, we’d stop on the wooden bridge suspending us only a couple feet over the lake to hug each other. Although there are usually joggers or families passing by, those moments you share with that loved one feel ethereal; almost as if no one is around but the two of you.

Quality of time and Physical Touch are Love Languages many identify with and round out the 5 Love Languages.

Ultimately, the Love Languages are large, general categories of expression. What matters within the acknowledgment of Love Languages aren’t the categories themselves, but the passion behind it. Love is best felt when the expression is real, not scripted or done with the expectation of return. That being said, it’s important to consistently keep in mind the Love Languages of your loved ones to promote a healthy, stable relationship.