I have been people pleasing for almost all of my life. I used to come home after social events or parties feeling extremely drained and tired. I used to just think that it was because I was anti-social or just hated parties in general. Oh boy, was I wrong.

The most recent party I went to, I felt great afterwards and wanted to go to another party. So, what exactly changed? How come I felt terrible after my first party but felt great after my second one?

It was all about how I showed up. At the first party, I was focused on pleasing everyone else to make sure everyone liked who I was. But at the second party, I let go of that pressure and focused on being myself while making sure I had a good time.

This is when I started to realize that maybe it's not that I hate parties. Maybe I just hate pretending.

Why Do We People-Please?

People-pleasing is rooted in the fear of rejection and conflict, and this kind of mindset can start early. It can begin when we first learn that being "good" or agreeable earns us praise or acceptance. For me, it showed up in subtle ways: saying "yes" when I wanted to say "no", always worrying if someone was mad at me, thinking that I was in the wrong even though I wasn't, and always avoiding confrontation. But this is the truth: people-pleasing may feel like self-protection, but for many it 100% leads to self-abandonment.

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What Happened When I Stopped

For 30 days, I made a conscious effort to stop people-pleasing. Keep in mind, this wasn't instantaneous. It was a gradual process of unlearning the habits that were instilled in me for many years. So, let me tell you what I learned:

1. Not everyone will like you--and that's perfectly fine.

In the beginning, I thought this was terrifying. But as I started to practice honesty and authenticity more, I realized that the people who truly mattered to me were the ones who stuck around. Due to my realization, my connections with these people grew stronger.

2. Having boundaries is healthy, not selfish.

When I started saying no without overexplaining myself, I felt empowered. I learned that I am not responsible for managing everyone's emotions or expectations of me. My number 1 priority to take care of myself first.

3. I had more energy and felt happier.

Not having to constantly perform or overthink allowed me to be present in the moment. Wherever I was, at school, with friends, or even alone, I felt so much more grounded and alive.

4. I discovered more things that I actually like.

When you're always trying to be someone who others want you to be, you start to lose touch with what makes you you. Over the 30 days, I started to reconnect with my true interests, opinions, and values.

(Image Credit: Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels)

How My Relationships Changed

One of the most shocking changes of this journey was realizing that my relationships started to shift. When I stopped people-pleasing, I expected conflict or arguments. I thought people would be more upset with me for saying "no" more often, or for not jumping to meet everyone's need. Instead of this, it gave the much need clarity about who genuinely cared about me--and who only liked the version of me that didn't say "no".

Some friendships faded. That hurt at first, but then I noticed that the friendships that stayed became deeper and more honest. Conversations started to feel more natural.

I wasn't analyzing every sentence I said for hidden tension. I could just be myself. That was the peace I never knew I needed.

It wasn't just friendship that changed, it was family dynamics too. For so many year, I was thought of as the "easy one", the one who avoided conflict, didn't talk back, and helped without question. But once I started setting boundaries, I noticed a shift in behavior.

It was uncomfortable at first, but it taught me how to communicate better. I didn't have to be rude or aggressive about it, I could be calm, clear, and kind--all at the same time.

Another big change was that I started to attract all different kinds of people. When you stop people-pleasing and really embrace who you are, that energy draws in people who resonate with the real you. I made new friends who shared my interests and respected my boundaries. The people I met weren't scared off by my honesty, they found comfort in real conversations and mutual respect.

Last but not least, the most important relationship--the one I have with myself. My relationship with myself started to heal. For such a long time, I had abandoned my own needs in exchange for someone's approval.

But the more I chose myself, the more I felt grounded, proud, and confident. I started to trust myself more in making choices that felt right.

So yes, starting to really embrace yourself may damage relationships--but not the ones that are worth keeping. The relationships that survived and grew through my transformation are the ones I know I can truly rely on.

A Work in Progress

I'm going to be honest--I still catch myself slipping back into people-pleasing habits. It's a mindset that's not easy to change. But now, at least I'm aware of it, and awareness is a powerful tool.

This month long experiment's goal wasn't becoming perfect at setting boundaries or being assertive all the time. It was about learning to choose myself over feeling guilty for not.

So, if you're a people-pleaser and you want to get rid of that mindset for good, try this 30 day challenge, because trust me the results are so worth it.