Every student has one universal dream — getting into their dream university. I too had this dream. The senior year of my high school was spent with a prayer in my heart, that of getting into my dream college; and one terrifying doubt: that of not getting in.

However, amidst the long drawn battle of competitive examinations, sleepless nights and caffeinated mornings, I ignored a third possibility. This was the possibility of getting into my dream college and nothing turned out similar to what I had dreamt.

All That Went Wrong

When you wish for an event to come true, it's not just the one incident that you dream of. Your dream is a stone you throw into the river. The entire river forms ripples responding to the stone.

You dream to not only throw the stone, but also to have the ripples change the flow. This is exactly where I went wrong. I had thrown the stone, it landed into the river. But the stone drowned without creating any ripples. The only stone I had did hit the spot, but didn't make any impact. I made it into the college. But the life I dreamt of, I couldn't build that. I had moved into a city that is more than a thousand miles away from my home. The thought of it used to intimidate me, excite me. I used to dream of all the freedom I could have, all the new places I could explore, all the new people I could meet, all the new opportunities I could have. But reality did not mirror my expectations because I closed the door on all my hopes.

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The Paradox of Magnificent Dreams and Overwhelming Reality

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My desired college is everything that I had hoped it to be. Qualified professors, capable peers, a vibrant campus. But, amidst the vibrance of the institution, I lost my own colours.

Everyone here has an impressive story, and an even more impressive resume. Among all these significant people, I questioned my own existence. Unfortunately, I was overpowered by the feeling of insignificance sponsored generously by self doubt. I could find no explanation as to why I deserved to be in this institution. I felt like I didn't belong here. I felt that I didn't even deserve to dream.

I had a terrible feeling of lagging behind severely. My peers had found the love of their lives and I couldn't even find a single friend. Perhaps finding a friend is far fetched for someone who could not even find her classroom.

The Absence of a North Star

Every philosopher has set a universal fact in stone: every human has a purpose to serve and fulfill. Somehow, I can't find my purpose. Or even if I feel that I do know my purpose, the sheer magnificence of it feels so huge that I am afraid to even accept it as my purpose.

I felt so immensely insignificant that I was terrified to even dream. I used to think that dying with an unfulfilled burning desire is the most tragic event that could happen. Now, I know that is untrue because living a life without the ability to dream is the greatest tragedy.

What is life without expectations? We all are alive because we are expecting something from life. It could be something as small as expecting to have your favourite meal on a Saturday night, or something as large as expecting to breakthrough in Hollywood and win an Oscar.

No matter the size of our expectations, we all do expect from life. However, I had stopped expecting. And that was my lowest point.

The One Haunting Question

I had made it into my dream college. But the question of “Now What?” loomed large like a guillotine waiting to collapse on me. I tried to avoid this question.

Eventually I had to face it. So I decided to stop hiding from people and opportunities. I applied to an internship and two college societies (both very strict and professional in their application process). I thought I am slowly starting to open up to life. But then I got selected. I didn't expect to get selected... I didn't want to. So guess what I did? I rejected the opportunities. I felt I couldn't do it. I had so much air to breathe, but I selectively chose to inhale the molecules that reinforced my insignificance. I felt my insignificance being diluted into my arteries every time my heart pumped blood. I had locked myself in a room built with pillars of self doubt and every action I took strengthened these pillars.

...“Now What?”

Well, the short answer to this question is that I am trying to show up for life and myself. I was avoiding this question all along, but maybe the purpose of writing this article was getting myself to contemplate this, and finally answer this. So as I mentioned above that I had applied to two college societies and one internship.

I rejected the internship and one society. The selection list of the second society was delayed and released later. By that time, I had partially come into my senses. So I took the mammoth responsibility of accepting my selection. I am kind of terrified and internally finding all the hypothetical situations where my decision could go wrong. But I have no physical evidence. And I wish it stays this way.

I have started talking to people. Well, kind of. My peers are actually fun.

They are great and they do try to include me in their activities sometimes, for which I'm grateful. It's just that I still can't find someone I can truly connect with. But hey, at least I have turned on my bluetooth! Maybe I'll find my tribe or find comfort in my self. Or both. Never ignore the third possibility.

I think maybe I like someone in my university. And well, I do have an expectation of seeing him the next day I step into the campus.

Most importantly, I am starting to expect from myself. I do not yet have gathered the courage to plan for my big dreams. But I am planning for small ones like acing my next assignment, my next semester exam.

I did ace one of my recent assignments so received some appreciation for that. It sounds very insignificant, but all these insignificant events are slowly translating into being something significant.

The assignment I aced

The pillars of self doubt that I have built in my room, I am painting over them with my favourite colours inch by inch. Something in me told me to demolish the room entirely. But who am I without my pillars?

For every inch of self doubt, I splash it with a paint of me showing up for myself. The existence of the pillar shows where I had started. The paint on them shows where I am. And yes, the paint is not permanent. It can get dusty, it can get scraped off the surface. But, it can always be repainted with brighter colours and cooler designs. What is important, is that you show up again and again to paint that blind spot.

As of now, it's 3:09 AM as I'm writing this draft. Well, my first draft was almost complete at 2:00 AM. And I was about to hit the hay... But I refreshed the page and my draft was gone.

The paint on my walls had vanished. But this time, I was determined to complete this article. To show up for myself. So I did show up. I completed writing this article. I did show up, to pain the wall, again when the paint had disappeared. And I think, I am starting to show up for life again. And I hope I keep doing it.