Family comes first, is a motto sang by many in the current day, but (at least in the west) this mantra was believed even more so back in the day.

So much so did the unity of the family grip the minds of folks as a gospel truth, that in some--way too many families, this held a sinister undertone.

Sins committed by a parent, a spouse, a sibling or a grandparent were swept under the rug, no matter how heinous. Those victimized by their actions were the ones who atoned for their wickedness.

God in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible warned children of passing the iniquity of the parents' sin onto the third and fourth generation. Perhaps, we are on the fifth, for Gen Z is breaking the cycle.

Breaking the Cycle

Nimrah Khan, editor in chief at The Cat's Eye explained,

"Yes, previous generations may have succeeded in building stable lives. But they also carried with them the pain and suffering of the journey, left unresolved and suppressed for survival...but Gen Z is breaking the vicious cycle of generational trauma".

This can be attributed to several factors. Expanded mental health awareness and treatment. A willingness to push back against long standing norms, a willingness to set boundaries those who came before did not have.

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The Pendulum Swings

Pendulums swing far towards the left, to the right, before the suspended weight conclusively settles somewhere in the middle.

Such is how our culture behaves. We cling to an ideal as fact, realize it is folly, then for a time go as far as possible to its exact opposite.

Is this where we are as of now? Has our bold stance of maintaining boundaries (or no contact, depending) with those who cause us nothing but grievances just because "she's your mother!" or "all marriages go through hardships!" perhaps gone too far the other direction?

Image Credit: Edz Norton from Unsplash

Discussions have emerged which point to the fact, that yes, while some do believe that while the intent was valid in meaning and in practice for a time, this once justifiable label has become wildly overused. While it goes without saying that there are still truly "toxic' people and there always will be, not everyone--not even the majority of people fit in this category.

The Pendulum is Stuck

A therapist at Leaf Tree Counseling explained,

"the word “toxic” used as a catch-all for anyone or anything that causes emotional discomfort...while the term started as a way to name real, damaging behavior — it’s now being thrown around so casually that it’s lost its meaning. And worse? It’s sometimes used in ways that shut down growth, empathy, or accountability".

Like in most topics, nuance in these conversations sometimes can be missed.

In most cases, relationships are complex. They take work from both parties to maintain, each party granting grace to the other when they fall short. But a possible harmless offense that may have once been laughed at instead may lead the afflicted individual to start over analyzing each and every crevice of the relationship.

Fleeing to Reddit or X, they ask internet strangers if this or that is a red flag. They panic and ask themselves, have they misread the other person's intentions all along? Yet, were they truly deceived or did confirmation bias---the psychological phenomenon where people tend to recall and favor information that validates one's belief--have them believe so? In a culture which (for good reason) messages unapologetically setting boundaries, and where the hashtag #toxic on TikTok has millions of views, this is debatable by skeptics.

Image Credit: Annie Spratt from Unsplash

Piggybacking off the aforementioned quote, the temptation to label one as toxic can lead individuals who may benefit from doing so to self reflect. Yes, maybe so and so should not have snapped like that, or didn't do this. But, do you snap when things don't go your way...perhaps more so?

Have you forgotten to complete a task or two that the other party felt important, but it was overlooked? Understood as you had a laundry list of more vital tasks to complete? Perhaps.

Disclaimers

I do not want to put forth the notion I'm dismissing those who truly feel wronged, and are justified in feeling so. Like I stated prior, there are toxic people who plague our world, and boundaries should be enacted with them. No contact even, especially in situations of emotional or physical abuse. (If you are experiencing abuse, please call 911 or 1-800-799-7233. That is never, ever okay or justifiable.)

My point is simply before pointing fingers and labeling someone with such a heavy label as toxic, we should examine ourselves and see if we perpetuate the very behaviors we condemn.

Are We Better Off?

Yes, in the eyes of some peers, perhaps we have gone overboard in naming some people and situations toxic in certain instances.

Yet, if I may pose the question, is this really worse than not questioning the other's actions at all?

Is it better to take some time--even if it may be longer than necessary to look at the behavior of someone you love and who claims to love you and examine if their actions match their words, or if they're empty platitudes? Or because the perpetrator is family which you can never turn your back on, or it's too late for you vowed at the altar, "til death do us part".

How many stories have been told by women and men once victimized in tumultuous--soul draining marriages over how they did not question the less than desirable behavior by their partner because their father behaved similarly, so that's just how men are? Or their mother?

More than any of us would like to admit.

So, find that balance and stick to it.