Dear Diary,
It’s me again, after another year. Last December I wrote to you, hoping for a fruitful year. I appreciate the things that happened in 2023.
I never could have imagined the eventual successes that occurred since my last letter to you. However, the successes from this year don’t matter as much as the rest. I realized that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough for me. So, I embarked on my self-discovery journey.
Through 2023, I met the happiest and saddest version of myself, and I appreciated learning more about them. I know this year was rough, especially with friendships, loneliness, insecurities, and some more that I don’t want to get into. And, to be honest, I don’t believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’. I think that some things just happen, and life is just meant to be chaotic.
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I used to avoid crying, venting, fear, anxiety, and anger, but I can’t run away from it. If anything, my escape attempts leave me more miserable. Now, I accept it.
It’s a part of me, and I try to love it. It's a work in progress, and next year it’ll be better. Speaking of accepting, I’ve been working on my insecurities and focusing on the positives. Every morning, I look at myself in the mirror and say an affirmation. I forgot to practice for a couple of days, so let me catch up now.
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I like how my energy radiates in the morning. I'm starting to appreciate my smile more. Whenever I smile, it looks like my entire body is smiling.
Additionally, I love how my perseverance is developing. I recognize how I’m not giving up on cello songs, and I appreciate the dedication I set towards the spelling bee. I've lost a lot of bees before, but I kept going at it. I love my body for what it is, and not for what I want it to be. For instance, I love my acne because it makes my face look like pizza, and at night it looks like a giant pepperoni slice. In fact, I started to love everything that makes me imperfect, because my imperfections don’t define me; they’re just a part of me. I love the birthmark that delicately gift wraps my belly. I love the dimples that flicker when I smile, and my sideburns that twist and writhe throughout the day.
I guess that counts as conquering my fears. I’ve been working on this self-awareness journey, and I realized how messed up I am. I felt scared a lot this year.
Every time I interacted with someone, I replayed dozens of scenarios in my head, constantly fixating on my perfectionism. When I approached the microphone at the spelling bee, I feared failing. When I published an article, I feared royally screwing up. Any time I was enjoying the moment, I made sure not to enjoy it too much. I was afraid of the ups and downs life had in store for me.
I’ll be honest...I don’t like to fail, but now I appreciate failure a bit more. I know my failures strengthen me, as they do with writing articles, spelling bees, competitions, or my self-awareness journey. I've established that I have to live through the bad parts to appreciate the good parts more.
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Thankfully, I learned how to endure the bad parts better. But first, I apologize that I wasn’t there for you at your lowest. I know many people left in these dark times, and I foolishly left you.
But now, I am your number one supporter, and I’ll stick with you no matter what. I want to strengthen my connection from within, and I’ll start with that.
Now, I want to stop panicking during tough times this new year. I’ve already set up my internal support, so I must implement that. I know I’ve made a few friendships this year, and I love them, but they don’t feel real. I know this sounds whiny...but they just don’t.
Sometimes, I feel disconnected from life. It’s like I wake up and run through my day, but it all feels like an illusion. And what’s worse is I worry about my worth. I lose track of my identity when observing accomplished prodigies on the news and stunning models on Instagram.
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It’s so weird. I’m this tiny speck on this giant rock we call Earth. And the Earth is a tiny speck in this universe.
Within a few centuries, I’ll be forgotten. So, why am I here? I hope I can answer this next year, or at least have a better idea.
That’s all the brooding I have for now, so let me end this entry on a good note. Specifically, on my good note. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what others want for me.
I know they just want the best, but sometimes, it’s not the best for me. That’s another thing I want to focus on for the upcoming year – my self-purpose. So, here goes nothing…
I am excited to end my first year of high school. I’m about 3 years from becoming an adult. That does scare me, but I can’t wait to drive...or at least try to.
I can’t wait to see the people I’ll meet, laugh with, smile with, and cry with. And I can’t wait to see the mistakes, choices, and decisions I’ll make. No matter how small or large, I’ll try my best.
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I know 2024 is going to be rough at times, but I learned a lot of lessons from 2023 that’ll make the ride less scary. So, I'll buckle up, because 2024 is going to be a wild ride.
Cheers,
Dev
